life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
