Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
