i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
