oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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