I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
