Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
