It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
