I wanna bring you to show and tell
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
