dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
