shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
operation have a gay friend backfired
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
