it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
