Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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