Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
