My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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