Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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