Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
