he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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