ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
