Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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