that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
