Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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