Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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