As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
