Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
