you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
