I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
