For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
