the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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