Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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