Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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