he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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