my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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