why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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