Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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