I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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