I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
