I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
