I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
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