I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
