Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
