i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
