it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
