My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
