my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
