I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
