Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
we're making bets on your personal life
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
