I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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