Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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