Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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