i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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