Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
