It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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