We're facebook friends in real life
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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