Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
